Logan is a member of the supply chain team at Jeni’s and works to keep everyone stocked with spoons, napkins, and other dry goods. He is known for his unparalleled insight into the drama and scandal hidden beneath these seemingly mundane supplies and is quick to educate anyone foolish enough to listen.
I want to talk to you about spoons. As an ice cream company (and personally, as someone who is involved in moving dry goods around), spoons are something that we have to think about pretty frequently. They’re generally considered to be part of the ice cream experience, so it’s important that we keep them on hand.
Every generation in recent memory has fallen victim to the tyranny of spoons.
What’s driving this demand? Some people might try to claim that they “help us eat” or “prevent messes,” but do they really? Do they? Can you remember when you were first forced to use spoons? I’m willing to bet that they were foisted upon you by your parents at an early age. The story is all-too-common. You probably had one birthday cake mishap and suddenly you weren’t allowed to eat anything without supervision and silverware. In the blink of an eye you were transformed into a spoon-slinging robot, forever doomed to slowly scoop identically-portioned bites with one hand while the rest of your body languished, motionless.
It wasn’t your parents’ fault, of course. Every generation in recent memory has fallen victim to the tyranny of spoons. The cycle is self-sustaining because it’s fueled by the trusting and impressionable nature of infants and toddlers.
Do you want to know who is ultimately responsible for this madness? I have a theory, and if you ask me it’s just a matter of following the money. If my hunch is correct the trail leads straight back to whoever invented shoehorns.
That’s right. Think about it.
The Means: The shoehorn industry has historically dominated the bowl-shaped-things-with-handles market. Shoehorn production facilities would hardly need to be retooled in order to create an entirely “new” product. Insidious marketing campaigns have led us to believe that the two objects are distinct, but in reality most shoehorns can actually be used as spoons. Go ahead, try it for yourself. Still not convinced? What if I told you that the word “spoon” shares 4 letters with the word “shoehorn,” and that the remaining letters are irrelevant?
The Motive: Shoehorn sales have plummeted in the last century. We developed technology that allowed us to create shoes with foot-sized openings, as well as television shows for children in which dinosaurs basically sing step-by-step shoe instructions. Society has stepped on Big Shoehorn’s toes. Big Shoehorn wanted to get even.
The Opportunity: It’s very easy to trick babies.
If you’re still reading this you’re undoubtedly outraged by now. I’m sorry you had to find out this way. Still, the tables can be turned if we can all cooperate and change a few habits.
The quickest and most effective way to make your voice heard is to abandon all eating utensils. This can easily be accomplished by placing your face near any food that you wish to consume and making violent chewing motions. Continue to adjust the distance between your face and the food until you achieve a comfortable and efficient nose-food to mouth-food ratio. An alternate but equally viable method involves launching fistfuls of food towards your nose/mouth using your hands. For ice cream I suggest the latter, especially considering that first-degree frostbite is nearly always reversible.
I’m willing to fight this fight. I’m willing to put down my spoons for good and I think humanity only stands to benefit. I’m willing to send this message to the world, in spite of the personal risk involved, because it’s worth it.
Will it mean that I’ll be forced to spend less time reviewing our spoon inventory? And as a result will I then be forced to use that time to go and get a smoothie or something? It’s impossible to say. All I know is that I’m willing to face this uncertainty for the sake of truth and justice.